Dear Bitch,
Are you for real?
We know it was wrong of us to stand idly by and let Al Gore show all those explicit photographs of what you’re going to look like 30 years from now. But seriously – ease off. You’re all powerful and you’re in a really pissy mood. We get it already. But enough with the apocalyptic downfalls of snow mixed with ice pellets mixed with freezing rain mixed with snow pellets mixed with the frozen tears of an asian daughter who just can’t lift the shovel even one more goddamn time. What’s eating you? Is it us? Listen, we all still have regrets about those 1970s commercials for Chiffon margarine – the ones with the catchphrase, “It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature.” The special effects were cheesy at best and some of those woodland animals really phoned in their performances. Word is you've been kinder to other parts of Canada. Thefucking mercury in Whitehorse actually hit positive! But you keep treating the east as your own personal snow globe. And yes, we bear a collective responsibility for failing to punish Hollywood for callously having you portrayed in films by not only Phyllis Diller but also Bette Midler. Next time, Scarlett Johansson in a fig leaf. We promise.
We've tried to have patience, but look at us, we're a quivering mass of shattered nerves no better then Mrs. Benett and extended middle fingers. Our arms ache from ice-scapping. Our brains fried from hours spend staring at the shelves of the local Blockbuster, trying to remember which movies we still haven't had the plesure of watching.
What's that you say? If we don't like it we should go somewhere warmer? Oh you'd love that, EH? Bitch we know you'd love to hurl another 50 cm of glistening white misery at us. We'll end up like those peopl on the news who spend half their March break in the airport. I always pictured you as a nice lady, walking throught medows, bluebirds chirping merrily as they fluter around your head. And then you'd be on your way to cuddle a cute bunny rabit, or make the sun shine out of Hillary Clinton's ass. But it turns out you're one mean slut. So much snow has fallen this winter that hell itself has frozen over. . .and you know what that means: Rob Schneider gets to star in another movie. THANKS ALOT MOTHER NATURE. First 410 cm of snow, Next: Deuce Bigalow III: Gigolo Harder
You and I had our differences before. As one who dies under certain conditions, I wasn't too HOT about summer 2005. But this is different, THIS IS WORST. I would feel like rearanging my christmas lights to spell "UP YOURS." We know it’s not nice to fool you – but there’s nothing in there that says we can’t totally punch you in the face.
Sincerely,
Everyone
Are you for real?
We know it was wrong of us to stand idly by and let Al Gore show all those explicit photographs of what you’re going to look like 30 years from now. But seriously – ease off. You’re all powerful and you’re in a really pissy mood. We get it already. But enough with the apocalyptic downfalls of snow mixed with ice pellets mixed with freezing rain mixed with snow pellets mixed with the frozen tears of an asian daughter who just can’t lift the shovel even one more goddamn time. What’s eating you? Is it us? Listen, we all still have regrets about those 1970s commercials for Chiffon margarine – the ones with the catchphrase, “It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature.” The special effects were cheesy at best and some of those woodland animals really phoned in their performances. Word is you've been kinder to other parts of Canada. Thefucking mercury in Whitehorse actually hit positive! But you keep treating the east as your own personal snow globe. And yes, we bear a collective responsibility for failing to punish Hollywood for callously having you portrayed in films by not only Phyllis Diller but also Bette Midler. Next time, Scarlett Johansson in a fig leaf. We promise.
We've tried to have patience, but look at us, we're a quivering mass of shattered nerves no better then Mrs. Benett and extended middle fingers. Our arms ache from ice-scapping. Our brains fried from hours spend staring at the shelves of the local Blockbuster, trying to remember which movies we still haven't had the plesure of watching.
What's that you say? If we don't like it we should go somewhere warmer? Oh you'd love that, EH? Bitch we know you'd love to hurl another 50 cm of glistening white misery at us. We'll end up like those peopl on the news who spend half their March break in the airport. I always pictured you as a nice lady, walking throught medows, bluebirds chirping merrily as they fluter around your head. And then you'd be on your way to cuddle a cute bunny rabit, or make the sun shine out of Hillary Clinton's ass. But it turns out you're one mean slut. So much snow has fallen this winter that hell itself has frozen over. . .and you know what that means: Rob Schneider gets to star in another movie. THANKS ALOT MOTHER NATURE. First 410 cm of snow, Next: Deuce Bigalow III: Gigolo Harder
You and I had our differences before. As one who dies under certain conditions, I wasn't too HOT about summer 2005. But this is different, THIS IS WORST. I would feel like rearanging my christmas lights to spell "UP YOURS." We know it’s not nice to fool you – but there’s nothing in there that says we can’t totally punch you in the face.
Sincerely,
Everyone
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